TIPS for 4x4 drivers in Hale.

Please remember that you are privileged and entitled, and thus not required to be considerate to inferior species, or to observe parking regulations.

When parking in Hale village, it is advisable to ensure that a small part of your vehicle is in a parking space, although the rest of it can, of course, be on the pavement or simply left near the middle of the road.

Do ensure that you keep your gangplank in the vehicle, in order to facilitate getting from your car to the pavement after you have parked.

Double yellow lines or “No Parking” signs should be ignored, as, self-evidently, they do not apply to you.

If you observe that another motorist is about to drive away from a nearby parking space that you’d like to take, you should stop in the middle of the road and wait for the space to become free, even if this takes 10 minutes. You must ignore the large build-up of traffic behind you, as other drivers’ desires to get anywhere is of no consequence in comparison to your need to get your 4x4 parked immediately outside the clothes shop.

In case you find yourself being berated by a low-life passer-by or indeed by an inferior motorist for your perfectly reasonable behaviour relating to any of the above, do remember that you are in the right and you should therefore issue a volley of abuse immediately. This will give a clear indication of your sophistication and your true place in society.

D Peters