VALENTINES' Day is one of those occasions where you find a wide division of opinion, ironic for something that is supposed to embrace unity.

The "roses are red" day strikes fear into the quivering hearts of some people. Its "violets are blueness" imparts a sense of cynicism and malignance in others. Everyone knows somebody in the latter group. They contemptfully disregard it as a bona fide saints day and call it a mega Hallmark marketing opportunity.

And for the lucky it is a day of fuzzy wuzzy celebrations. I, at the risk of sounding really really annoying, fall into the this category. If you are reading this and it is the fourteenth you should know that I am in New York. In a helicopter ride over the city. To be followed by a Champagne reception at the Soho Lounge.

Now before you start hurling sharp objects at me you ought to know I am not always like this, I just happen to have a wonderful fella who treated me to a trip to the magical city as a Christmas present.

I have been through the motions of the other two sub-groups as well. God, those awkward teenage years when you dread going to school on good old February 14 sans Valentine's paraphernalia to show off with. Crunch time arriving when, asked by the jeering mobs, you say the postman had not yet called with your sackfuls of presents. He had done. Only without said bags of goodies. Isn't this day starting to sound like a warped Christmas in reverse for some?

Cupid's arrow was finally directed at me circa 13 years of age. A card was hand-delivered to my house and had a picture of a mouse on it. This rodent was grinning cheekily while inexplicably sitting on a car tyre. The punchline: "I will never tyre of you." Geddit? Ha. Ha. Hilarious. It was anonymous so presumably the person who left it on my doorstep was so ashamed by its dire attempt at pithiness he could not bear to own up to it. I think at that moment I rather preferred it when no one bothered to present me with a card/ proclamation of their love. Ah those first tentative forays into romance with all their mawkish sentiment.

Then there is the cynicism. I once got dumped just before the big day (no not my wedding). Let's just say this did not leave me in good humour. I had already bought the miserable sod unrefundable not to mention expensive tickets for a day racing Ferraris and other such guff. I shall not dwell on this too long, I fear it would bring the tone and humour of this piece down somewhat.

Then there was the Valentine's a few years back I very nearly saw fit to dump a boyfriend after he lit up a load of sickly scented candles (Who uses them?! I most certainly did not request this!) and practically burnt the curtains clean off. Yes very macho behavour, even more so when a a bunch of burly fire men came to put the fire out. Unfortunately my ardour had cooled right down by then, unlike the unlucky drapes.

Oh yes I have run the gamut of Valentines' experiences and I'm sure there will be many more hooplas to come but today I am lovestruck, and New York-struck, so I bid you all a fulfilling day. Full of roses and luxury chocolates and Champagne that is...