NOW that one minority group has decided that an artificial enclosure made by poles and fishing line is absolutely essential, we realise that this idea can help our own minority cult, which has a similar problem.

Our faith, known as Dogma, must have an enclosure, and all members must ensure that on certain days, called 'Dog Days', their dogs must be kept within it.

Our scriptures – known collectively as the Doggerel - decree that its perimeter be marked with dog droppings. This is unfortunate, because it is impossible to comply, both for health and safety reasons,and because it would be difficult to maintain the perimeter, due to the supply of raw material being uncontrollable.

Fortunately, our elders have provided a solution, so that our followers need not worry about a physical perimeter – they’ve said we can have a symbolic one, although we must admit that this is cheating!

So, we can use artificial dog droppings. These must be placed at intervals around the perimeter. (You may think all this is ludicrous, but it’s in our scriptures, so that’s that.) We thought we should place our essential street furniture near the poles about to be erected for the other scheme referred to above.

Our symbolic street furniture would, like theirs, be unobtrusive, and so the 99.99 per cent of locals who have no interest in our enclave can’t object to living in it, can they? And finally, additional street furniture is just what we need on our pavements – formal approval from Trafford Highways is probably in the post as we speak.

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